Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
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It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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