ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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