it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
