Soap is not a condiment
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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