Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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