Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
