Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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