I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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