Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
