I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
