Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
