when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
