Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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