Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
