The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
