In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
