i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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