Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
