You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
