did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
