Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
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Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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