I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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