Don't make out with my wife yet
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
