k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
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He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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