I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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