I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Its about making memories worth repressing
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
