I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
