we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
