and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
