life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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