I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
