Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
