gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
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NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
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The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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