it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
