I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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