I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
