Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
