I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
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I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
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No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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