I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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