cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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