i don't like sucking hair
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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