Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was like giving head to a cactus.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize