So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
