i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize