A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
