I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
