Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
