Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
