I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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