Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Randomize
