rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
