It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
