I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
