Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
