someone get that fucking seahorse.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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