I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
