mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
