next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
